Wilcome Wisdom

Lumberjack

2010-11-20T16:04:00.005-05:00

Jess: "Where's mom?"

Dad" "Shopping."

Jess: "For what?" (annoyed,questioning tone, due to the volume of shopping mom does...)

Dad: "Who cares?"

Holy Moses

2010-11-20T16:04:00.001-05:00

"I was thinking, if I had a couple dogs, I might name Amaroam and Joshabel" - jim wilcome

Local Politics

2010-09-29T19:51:00.002-04:00

In my Dad's neighborhood, lets just say fast food hasn't exactly taken off. And lets just say there might be enough christian churches in Grandville. Which, good for them, but you want even a coffee from McDonalds? You are stuck driving to Jenison, or Wyoming-almost-Kentwood.

Upon my arrival to GRR from my last trip, Dad announces "They put a McDonalds in at Byron Center and 56th!".

I respond "Wow. Thats pretty drastic".

"Yeah, next thing you know it, they're gonna wanna put a mosque there!". -JJW

Pool Boy

2010-08-04T21:50:00.000-04:00

"I took that pool cover off by myself...it was kinda like trying to fight a pregnant polar bear". JJW

Dreams

2010-08-04T21:49:00.001-04:00

"nothing makes sense out here tonight...this is like a bad dream" -dad's comments on m6 construction set up

Forgiveness

2010-08-02T14:51:00.000-04:00

"I am sorry, I have to cancel, I hope you don't hang me an effigy".

Special Priveleges

2010-06-29T13:13:00.003-04:00

Dad's sister had a cardiac cath. Her physician wears a turban. Its Standard operating procedure for said patient to stay overnight, but Dad called to report "She's going home at 3pm". Having worked in cardiovascular, specifically PCI, I responded "Really? Thats weird". Dad replies "I know. It sure raised a lot of eyebrow's round there! ...
" But I was in the the room when the Great Swami released her".

At his wedding

2010-06-27T12:13:00.001-04:00

"I wasn't drunk! I was high!" - JJW

Attorney for the defense

2010-06-26T07:46:00.000-04:00

"In my defense . . . in case I need one". JJW

Less then sincere

2010-06-26T07:44:00.001-04:00

"Tricksters . . . carrying the bloodstained banner" - of disengenuious christians. JJW

Hornets Nest

2010-06-20T07:55:00.001-04:00

This morning, while spraying a hornets nest outside of his living room window - "'Morning Boys!". JJW

"Wedded Bliss"

2010-06-20T07:54:00.001-04:00

"When I said "I do", I meant "I do", I just didn't know WHAT I'd do!" - JJW

Cartwheel

2010-06-20T07:52:00.000-04:00

"That sounds like mental gymnastics"! JJW

You can't make it up. So don't even try.

2010-06-08T20:46:00.002-04:00

Me: "Yeah dad, thats a nice phone.... why did you get a new one?"

Dad: "I ran the other one over with the lawnmower".

Karma

2010-02-12T10:31:00.002-05:00

Dad "I will tell ya, those people that think they are getting away with something....it doesn't work that way. What comes around, goes around!"

"He'd (my ex) better watch out! He's gonna find teeth marks in his ass."

Jenny

2010-02-11T13:44:00.002-05:00

At my brother's house the other night, Jennifer Granholm came on the screen. My dad is repulsed by anything good ole Jenny does, so immediately scowls. Tom proceeds to tell him how Jenny was talking earlier and said something to the affect of "prepare to be wow-ed".

To which dad replies "What, is she gonna go skinny dippin' in the Grand River"?

Sssssssssssssss

2009-12-23T11:07:00.001-05:00

While discussing a conversation on a subject that should have been simple but was highly "emotionally" charged with the Mrs.

"I'd rather face a spitting cobra!"

Its a calling, not a choice

2009-12-10T10:45:00.001-05:00

"You, are the Minister of Common Sense"-JJW.

Chasing Cars

2009-12-05T12:44:00.001-05:00

Looking at his phone, Dad says "hell I got so many things on here, I haven't a clue what to do with. I have the INTERNET, but....

"Its like the dog who finally catches the car - now what am I going to do with it?"
JJW

T-R-O-U-B-L-E

2009-11-25T09:11:00.001-05:00

"I know I'm a troublemaker! And I LIKE IT!". (Barb)

Bumper Cars

2009-11-25T09:02:00.002-05:00

On the way to lunch with his youngest daughter, Jess described traffic that day as "no one was in a hurry.....".

Eyes growing a fierce blue, Dad says (and he means it, BTW) "I'd like to tie a matress to my bumper, so that I could give these jerks a little tap, as a friendly reminder".

A Faded Parallel

2009-11-25T09:01:00.002-05:00

After a brief conversation regarding divorce:

"Its like attorneys, I don't like them, but they happen!" JJW.

No room for grey.....

2009-11-25T08:59:00.001-05:00

"What a hypocrite!" - Jim, speaking of Raz (the dog).

Betrayal

2009-10-13T09:23:00.002-04:00

Speaking of a former co-worker:

"That guy was every bit a Judas".

Unexpected . . .

2009-08-15T07:47:00.004-04:00

When discussing my Mom's unexpected, early return from work (she failed to call until she was in the driveway).

"I'll tell ya what. Good thing I don't cheat on my wife. I'd have been dead TWICE by now."

Ouch!

2009-08-15T07:34:00.000-04:00

"I wouldn't give the City of Wyoming crutches if they needed them!"

The Little Leader

2009-07-20T15:15:00.002-04:00

I called to check and see how Hannah was doing today, and my dad gave me the brief update. She's now down at Sandy Pines with Char, etc. And so I asked "oh, who did they go see?". He said "I thought you'd be okay with it."

I said "I am, I just wondered who she is visiting."

And I do just like knowing where she is - and like to get an idea, and the opportunity to remind my very liberal daughter to be respectful of more conservative opinions.

So I explained this to my dad and he replied "You are right! I see your point.... I didn't even think of that!...

"She's probably leading a revolution down at the guard shack!"

Feather Weight

2009-06-12T07:54:00.002-04:00

Dad: "Yeah, a lot of them preachers don't like you to know things about them. Joyce Meyers. Did you know, she's DIVORCED?'
Me: "Wow. DIVORCED huh? (sarcasm underlying). Yeah, shit happens...."
Dad: "No, I mean, they don't like you to know, they just "fail to mention it"....."
Like -John Hagee is divorced, did you know that? (long pause)

"Nope."Tom could have knocked me over with a feather with that one."

Feelin Good

2009-06-12T07:46:00.002-04:00

"I'm feeling pretty good today. I slept good, my blood pressure is good..." dad says
"Yeah, why's that?"
"I dunno. I guess my ECOsystem is lining up just right!"

The ones you follow

2009-06-12T07:43:00.002-04:00

"I don't smoke, don't drink, don't chew
and I don't follow those who do...."
JJW a spinoff fro the Benson Days.

Can't get enough

2009-05-16T12:33:00.000-04:00

"There is not enough of me to go around" --Jim.

Old Spice

2009-05-01T10:51:00.002-04:00

"Everything was sailing along until I put deodorant on. Then it all just went to hell".

Jim, of his recent allergic reaction.

More insurance drama

2009-04-29T10:31:00.004-04:00

Referring to the insurance adjuster who came over to assess the damage from a pipe that burst - flooding the "Green Room", Dad explained his disappointment in the whole process. He thought he'd have a reasonable claim to replace a bunch of the stuff that was in the room, but somehow ended up paying a decent deductable.

"You know, that adjuster, was just a lawyer in blue jeans....."

Waiting

2009-04-08T07:51:00.003-04:00

After a full morning of coffee and conversation, Dad decides its time for breakfast. Upon discovering the fact of the matter is he is out of eggs - he gets that rushed look on his face, and says "well, we are just going to have to go out for breakfast!". Clearly we cannot wait to eat, as his hunger has passed the I-can-be-patient point. I concede and get up to put on my shoes. He yells up the stairs to his lovely wife of 35 years "Barb, we are going out! We are out of eggs! You comin'?".

She responds "no", that she's in the middle of coloring her hair. However, he doesn't hear anything except for the tone in her voice. Its typical that she's going to give him a speech about how he doesn't NEED to go out to breakfast AGAIN, and he knows this. So he sits down to put his shoes on and says

"Well.... you coming? I'm NOT waiting for the swallows to return to Capistrano!".

(if you don't know, which 99.998% of us don't typically know -
speaks of the miracle of the swallows returning to the mission.)

Please, stop!

2009-03-13T05:29:00.002-04:00

As we are driving up to the "Magical Mile" (from one hospital to another) to visit a friend of my dad's - I notice a blur of red outside of my passenger side window and realize we've just charged full speed through a stop sign.

Glancing in the rearview mirror, dad says "Ooops. When did they put that there?".

And the solution is (this is a Barb Quote)

2009-02-28T11:23:00.003-05:00

So, to fix the jeans, Dad has decided he wants a sewing maching so he can hem his own. He's not asking for a stripper for his birthday, or weed.... just a sewing maching. Maybe he needs it, maybe he doesn't......but who will it hurt?

Mom in a full-on, defensive, angry fit, turns toward him and sneers

"I know what you want and DON'T think its funny!"

Family Jeans

2009-02-28T11:18:00.002-05:00

While discussing options to find the right fit for Dad's new blue jeans - and how they fit.

"I can't help it. I can't help it - I have this HOURGLASS figure. Its a curse, I tell you!"

Round a 'bouts

2009-02-28T11:16:00.001-05:00

While driving to lunch, as we navagated the round about at Cherry and Jefferson -

"This little turn around will have its place in the Lake of Fire too!".

Going somewhere?

2009-01-26T14:05:00.001-05:00

I called my dad this morning to see if he still had a copy of my birth certificate.

He asked, curiously "why, what do you need it for?".

I said "um, just wanted to get a passport".

"Are you planning on becoming a subversive?".

2008-12-21T10:20:00.003-05:00

So yesterday we are sitting around drinking super hot coffee and talking about my little fall down the stairs, in which, I lost the box I was carrying and it came down and smacked me in the eye (black eye for Christmas?). I said "but luckily, I landed on my big ass...." My dad was about to make a smart comment of some sort and as he went to incorporate one of those famous Jim Wilcome hand motions..... his steaming hot cup of Joe spilled directly on his uh, groin area.

Luckily it wasn't that hot, and after an expression that will keep me laughing for years to come, he later said to Jess "Nothing like singeing the family jewles!"

GH

2008-10-25T13:09:00.002-04:00

When discussing women who wear "heavy perfume" - he said "why do women do that? Is it just to attract the opposite gender?"

Jess said "Do you really think MOM wears perfume to attract MEN???"

In Response..."NO. I'm not talking about your mother, I'm talking about down there at General Hospital. Where the broom closets are as busy as the ER".

Fuel

2008-10-01T15:33:00.003-04:00

After he calls and we chat, there is a lul in conversation... so I say "Hey dad, I can't believe it. I just got over THREE gallons of gas for ten bucks!!!!!!!!!"

He excitedly asks -"Did you have a revolver in your pocket?"

J

KMART

2008-08-31T12:49:00.001-04:00

"The only thing I remember about Kmart is the underwear".

unsure of preceding conversation.

Birds and the Bees

2008-08-31T12:24:00.002-04:00

Over coffee this morning, I am discussing some of the garden flowers out front, etc. I comment "those fuzzy bees are pretty friendly. they don't seem to mind that people are around".

With that deep, contemplative face we all love, dad responds

"Yeah not like those wasps out there that seem to get a thrill out of seeing if they can make you shit your pants!"

On the Sea Do Repair Shop

2008-08-21T12:24:00.000-04:00

"Frankly, Jode - I wouln't buy a sack of eggs from these jokers".

Meow.....

2008-08-21T12:18:00.004-04:00

As you may know, Hannah and I reside in a cottage. My dad has taken in upon himself to become the house handyman, and frankly he's doing a pretty damn good job.

Due to um, heightened security measures, Dad upped the slider door on his priority list. He fixed the latch that didn't close real well. He was explaining the repair and the original problem to me. I saw the problem right away, it was uneven - but not before he could say:
"You see how this is all Kitty-wompus?"

OCP

2008-07-11T07:15:00.002-04:00

"Whatever. I am not medical. I am NOT medical, at ALL!..... I couldn't tell you the difference between an asprin and a birth control pill." --James

Free Money

2008-07-07T13:53:00.003-04:00

Mom and Dad were going to watch Hannah for me a few Fridays back and Dad called with "Just one problem".

"Yeah okay, I can bring her to you, it doesn't matter.....whats up?"

"Well" dad says, taking a sharp, significant breath "the government sent me a letter stating that my stimulus check would be here tomorrow...." he paused.

I was wondering - something like - you can't wait to get home to cash it Saturday morning, when he completed his thought

"Frankly, I don't want to just leave it out on Wilson for the taking".

Satanic influence

2008-06-27T09:28:00.000-04:00

"Its like Satan is just poking him in the ass!"

Strawberry Fields

2008-06-18T08:52:00.001-04:00

Recently, my friend left for an extended vacation. He asked me to stop over and pick strawberries, as they were in season and he never had a shortage of them....and who doesn't love fresh fruit? So last night I was headed over there and asked if I should put some aside for my parents.

This morning, I get the phone call.

"Hows the strawberry business?"

"uh, good".

"I hear the harvest is great, but the workers are few.".

Change In Plans

2008-05-20T14:10:00.002-04:00

Memorial day weekend, Mom and Dad were set to go to Chicago. Usually, to "save money" they stay with Grandma and try to sleep on an air matress. As you can imagine, this rarely works out to be a cozy nights sleep.

Well, BabyBoy Wilcome is due any day now. Today we were informed that Tom's wife experienced one of the signs the baby is coming soon (I'll spare the details). Conversation that followed this news:

"Looks like I won't be going to Chicago this weekend! Yesss!

I want to sleep on grandmas floor like I want a venereal disease!"

Things we do for friends

2008-04-14T08:48:00.004-04:00

If you know my dad, you know his hearing isn't his most fine-tuned sense. But God bless him, he sure tries to make out the conversation.

So a friend of mine has been wanting a Wii. Like for a while. But like most of us, can't "find" one, as they sell pretty quickly. I searched. I had my sister search in her post-op downtime. I called the stores. I stalked the employees. Okay, no I didn't but I was getting close to thinking I'd need to. And suddenly, one day, I found one! Online, low hassle - just click, click and it was done! I was so excited that when I met my dad that night for dinner and he said "Whats New?".

I said "I got my friend a Wii!!!!!!!!!!!!!" just beaming.

Dad looks puzzled, shakes his head and says "You got your friend some WEED?".

Whatcha Doing?

2008-04-07T17:13:00.002-04:00

I called my dad Saturday to see if he'd like to have dinner with us out at the cottage. Since we've moved, I think he misses me, Hannah, and specifically the dog who has adjusted to lake life quite well.

"What cha up to, Dad?".

"not much".

"You outside? Its nice out!"

"Yep, sittin' here in my chair in the driveway. Watching the traffic. " Then his voice lowers, evoking a bit of sympathy.....

"Got a ball in my hand, but no dog to throw it to!".

Happy Easter

2008-03-18T15:58:00.003-04:00

I called dad this morning to say hello, and after a few minutes of chatting he informed me that my mom had emailed me about Sunday, we are going to have a turkey apparently, etc., then closed with

"We hope to see you on Thanksgiving Sunday".

J

The size of your problems

2008-02-22T08:06:00.002-05:00

Talking about a problem he had a small, short term fix for:

"Its like trying to take out an Elephant with a bb. "

JJW

Check Engine Light

2008-02-22T08:05:00.001-05:00

"They should change that check engine light to "Get your wallet ready" light".

JJW

The New Vet

2008-02-04T10:16:00.000-05:00

Kristen recommended a vet - hers - who seems to be less um, excessive with the dog. So Dad took Raz in today, and called me with the report.

"I can't believe I got outta there for LESS THAN 150.00! That's never happened before! 89.00!!! I wanted to TIP him!".-JJ

Grocery Shopping

2008-02-04T10:13:00.000-05:00

"I'll be hard pressed to go back to the 54th street Meijer anytime soon. There were people who looked like DRUG dealers parking in the handicap spots.... WITHOUT stickers! Teenagers flying through there at 70 miles an hour and kids running amuck."

"There was nothing but lawlessness going on there!" - JJW

Jim's affection for my ex....

2008-01-30T09:55:00.000-05:00

First, I blame Jess. For the snow that is. Today, most of the southern parts of the lower part of Michigan are closed and the northern part of the state is in fact CLOSED by the state, no one is allowed on the roads due to the civil emergency/blizzard. Its Jess's fault. Everytime she leaves the country, we get a dumped on with snow, wind, ice, etc.

Anyway, Hannah's school was closed today and she is supposed to go to her dad's. Since I had to be at work, Hannah is home with Grandpa. He calls this morning and says "Have you heard from the ex?".

"No, not yet, but I'm sure I will eventually." I sigh, expressionless. "Do you want me to call him?"

He responds - "No, don't worry about it - He'll call when he wants to pick her up.

Just like dandruff, he always comes back!".

Welcome to the Club

2007-12-13T13:46:00.000-05:00

After some discusson about how I should "get going" I finally was preparing to walk out the door. "I'm not really excited about going out in the cold, but I suppose...." I said.

"Yeah, Jode? I was thinking, we could start a procrastinator's club, but then again, we don't have to do that right away!".

How IS Molly

2007-11-28T14:59:00.000-05:00

The vet who will sell you anything you never wanted to buy. Does your dog need psych meds? What about aromatherapy? Now when Molly got sick and we took her in, the initial bill was in the 350 range. And of course, they found nothing. None of the medicine they sent home worked. A few weeks later, Molly was found eating her uh, flesh, and was put down soon after.

So the vet called Dad to "see how Molly's doing".

Dad responds "She's dead, thank you very much. We had to put her down after the fantastic care she recieved with you. Personally, I think I got ripped off. So... Sweet dreams - ENJOY THE MONEY!" Click.

Sweedish Meatballs....

2007-11-24T14:38:00.000-05:00

If they don't fix it for free, they are going to have a HOT sweedish meatball after them! (Speaking of a washer under warranty, and dad's "sweedish" background.)

Debit or Credit?

2007-11-24T14:36:00.000-05:00

After Jess asked "Did you get mom a debit card" for their new checking account, Dad responds"Do you want me to go to the looney bin?".

Whats wrong with her?

2007-11-24T14:34:00.000-05:00

Speaking of someone who is holding a grudge. "She's got a case of the ass!"

Dental violence

2007-11-15T11:03:00.000-05:00

After carefully explaining the "problem" with his dentist is in fact the front desk, Dad feels compelled to share just one more example. "On my way in there, I tripped over the carpet they had thrown down. The corners were all uneven and it wasn't laying flat. I mentioned it to the receptionist after I saw an older lady with a cane trip.... I just said "you might want to tape down the edges".....but then I came out and of course, nothing had been done. I said heck with this crap.

"I'm not going to just stand around and watch blood let!".

(let by definition, "to descend slowly")

A Mountain of Controversey

2007-11-14T16:26:00.001-05:00

"I don't want to rock Mount Vesuvius!

(a volcano near Naples, Italy)

Speaking of the risk of angring his wife by calling her at work for a minor issue.

Say Cheese

2007-10-18T20:15:00.000-04:00

After a lenghty discussion about what meat is good meat, why, and how its sliced, I commented that I liked a certain meat with a certain cheese - to which Dad responded with a distant look in his eyes "I don't know that much about cheese" . . . except it taste good on my burger.

On missing his nap(s) yesterday . . .

2007-09-27T09:29:00.000-04:00

"I am becoming a man who is seriously acquainted with grief". (Paraphrasing, none other than, Jesus Christ. Jesus of course, was hated by the masses. Dad just missed his nap.)

Can't change his mind . . .

2007-09-27T09:27:00.000-04:00

Speaking of someone else of course . . "His mind is like cement. All mixed up and permanently set."

Facial Hair

2007-08-19T16:19:00.001-04:00

"Ah, look at this guy - looks like a nightcrawler took a crap on his lip!"

Deep in thought

2007-08-19T16:14:00.000-04:00

After conversing over coffee and the Sunday press, I comment on how my dad has been rather philosophical. After which he replies "Hey, I was just at that ceremony with all of those graduates with their PhD in Philosophy. Maybe the vapors of philosophy floated up my way".

Grand Rapids

2007-08-18T22:59:00.001-04:00

"Grand Rapids is a great place to be from".

Love is in the air

2007-08-18T22:53:00.000-04:00

"That guy had too much of a taste of the spanish fly . . . he was always in heat". --

2007-08-03T11:26:00.002-04:00

"Its a great life, if you don't weaken!" (originates from Barb).

The Mind....

2007-08-03T11:26:00.001-04:00

"The mind is the second thing to go..... and I can't remember the first!"

Prayer

2007-07-30T15:37:00.001-04:00

Preface:
The dog ate Dad's last "good" hearing aid last fall. Nationwide Insurance failed to cover it appropriately. Said hearing aids were not properly replaced, however - the "spares" were pulled out and have been driving everyone crazy.

If you know Jim, you know the prayer commences when he sees all the food present on the table. People are not necessarily counted in this equation. As usual, dad begins this prayer last week with thanksgivings and such and then, as I hear him switch to his closing "tone", he speaks ever so gently -

"And THANK YOU JESUS for these SCREAMING hearing aids...... Amen".

Commonplace Arab Traditions by the fire

2007-07-19T15:09:00.000-04:00

"Is he teaching her some Arab tradition?" In reference to Michael, my sister's boyfriend, who was pushing the roasting forks in the ground to clean them at the campfire last week....

Holi(stic) Cow

2007-06-15T11:54:00.001-04:00

At dinner, when talking about the meat he has been buying "I don't know. I like this stuff. Its organic you know. You know what that means right? The meat comes from like a HOLISTIC cow!"

--J

Jim, 6/9/07

2007-06-15T11:52:00.000-04:00

"Its AMAZING what they are doing with Green Beans these days". --JLW

Commenting on the Internet (again)

2007-05-08T15:39:00.000-04:00

"I really should learn how to use that stupid thing".

Diggin up bones

2007-04-13T12:27:00.000-04:00

After bringing in an apparently ill dog, the vet's technician asks my dad "Is your dog eating okay, sir?".

"This s'mornin I gave her a milkbone."

"Oh, and did she eat it?" the tech curiously asks.

Shaking his head with disbelief, "Boy, she donned that bone with AUTHORITY". -jlw

On pissing people off.....

2007-03-29T12:06:00.000-04:00

"You'd better watch it, or she'll be all over you like a dirty shirt.”

Urgent Choice

2007-03-29T11:57:00.001-04:00

“I didn’t know whether to crap or go blind.” -- James

The squirrels.....

2007-03-28T22:15:00.000-04:00

“The squirrels aren’t just in the trees around here”

Trouble

2007-03-28T22:14:00.000-04:00

“People go looking for trouble, like there is some kind of reward for it!” - James

Regarding a website

2007-03-28T22:13:00.002-04:00

“…it will be just a matter of time before ‘they’ change that creepy little thing again!” (bank website)

Old Classics by Jim

2007-03-28T22:13:00.001-04:00

“…like a duck on a junebug”
“…lazier than a pet coon”

Said often.

Comment on March 28, 2007

2007-03-28T22:10:00.000-04:00

"Our pen's are like gold" - James, of my recent legal prose.

February 19, 2007

2007-02-21T09:46:00.000-05:00

James Wilcome
Responding to my thinking-out-loud.... "I'm not sure what I should do"...

"When in doubt, drop back 5 and punt"

James Wilcome

2006-12-05T12:11:00.000-05:00

(Speaking of an unauthorize purchase that angered the Mrs)
"I'm going to have to bleed a while before she'll let that wound heal".

Comment by James Wilcome (Jim)

2006-11-16T16:20:00.000-05:00

"I don't like the business you've been conducting with my family" to a Nextel Sales Rep on the phone.

Saturday, November 11

2006-11-11T15:23:00.000-05:00

"There's just something about cash that I like". -Jim Wilcome