Lumberjack

Jess: "Where's mom?"

Dad" "Shopping."

Jess: "For what?" (annoyed,questioning tone, due to the volume of shopping mom does...)

Dad: "Who cares?"

Holy Moses

"I was thinking, if I had a couple dogs, I might name Amaroam and Joshabel" - jim wilcome

Local Politics

In my Dad's neighborhood, lets just say fast food hasn't exactly taken off. And lets just say there might be enough christian churches in Grandville. Which, good for them, but you want even a coffee from McDonalds? You are stuck driving to Jenison, or Wyoming-almost-Kentwood.

Upon my arrival to GRR from my last trip, Dad announces "They put a McDonalds in at Byron Center and 56th!".

I respond "Wow. Thats pretty drastic".

"Yeah, next thing you know it, they're gonna wanna put a mosque there!". -JJW

Pool Boy

"I took that pool cover off by myself...it was kinda like trying to fight a pregnant polar bear". JJW

Dreams

"nothing makes sense out here tonight...this is like a bad dream" -dad's comments on m6 construction set up

Forgiveness

"I am sorry, I have to cancel, I hope you don't hang me an effigy".

Special Priveleges

Dad's sister had a cardiac cath. Her physician wears a turban. Its Standard operating procedure for said patient to stay overnight, but Dad called to report "She's going home at 3pm". Having worked in cardiovascular, specifically PCI, I responded "Really? Thats weird". Dad replies "I know. It sure raised a lot of eyebrow's round there! ...
" But I was in the the room when the Great Swami released her".

At his wedding

"I wasn't drunk! I was high!" - JJW

Attorney for the defense

"In my defense . . . in case I need one". JJW

Less then sincere

"Tricksters . . . carrying the bloodstained banner" - of disengenuious christians. JJW

Hornets Nest

This morning, while spraying a hornets nest outside of his living room window - "'Morning Boys!". JJW

"Wedded Bliss"

"When I said "I do", I meant "I do", I just didn't know WHAT I'd do!" - JJW

Cartwheel

"That sounds like mental gymnastics"! JJW

You can't make it up. So don't even try.

Me: "Yeah dad, thats a nice phone.... why did you get a new one?"

Dad: "I ran the other one over with the lawnmower".

Karma

Dad "I will tell ya, those people that think they are getting away with something....it doesn't work that way. What comes around, goes around!"

"He'd (my ex) better watch out! He's gonna find teeth marks in his ass."

Jenny

At my brother's house the other night, Jennifer Granholm came on the screen. My dad is repulsed by anything good ole Jenny does, so immediately scowls. Tom proceeds to tell him how Jenny was talking earlier and said something to the affect of "prepare to be wow-ed".

To which dad replies "What, is she gonna go skinny dippin' in the Grand River"?