So yesterday we are sitting around drinking super hot coffee and talking about my little fall down the stairs, in which, I lost the box I was carrying and it came down and smacked me in the eye (black eye for Christmas?). I said "but luckily, I landed on my big ass...." My dad was about to make a smart comment of some sort and as he went to incorporate one of those famous Jim Wilcome hand motions..... his steaming hot cup of Joe spilled directly on his uh, groin area.

Luckily it wasn't that hot, and after an expression that will keep me laughing for years to come, he later said to Jess "Nothing like singeing the family jewles!"

GH

When discussing women who wear "heavy perfume" - he said "why do women do that? Is it just to attract the opposite gender?"

Jess said "Do you really think MOM wears perfume to attract MEN???"

In Response..."NO. I'm not talking about your mother, I'm talking about down there at General Hospital. Where the broom closets are as busy as the ER".

Fuel

After he calls and we chat, there is a lul in conversation... so I say "Hey dad, I can't believe it. I just got over THREE gallons of gas for ten bucks!!!!!!!!!"

He excitedly asks -"Did you have a revolver in your pocket?"

J

KMART

"The only thing I remember about Kmart is the underwear".

unsure of preceding conversation.

Birds and the Bees

Over coffee this morning, I am discussing some of the garden flowers out front, etc. I comment "those fuzzy bees are pretty friendly. they don't seem to mind that people are around".

With that deep, contemplative face we all love, dad responds

"Yeah not like those wasps out there that seem to get a thrill out of seeing if they can make you shit your pants!"

On the Sea Do Repair Shop

"Frankly, Jode - I wouln't buy a sack of eggs from these jokers".

Meow.....

As you may know, Hannah and I reside in a cottage. My dad has taken in upon himself to become the house handyman, and frankly he's doing a pretty damn good job.

Due to um, heightened security measures, Dad upped the slider door on his priority list. He fixed the latch that didn't close real well. He was explaining the repair and the original problem to me. I saw the problem right away, it was uneven - but not before he could say:
"You see how this is all Kitty-wompus?"

OCP

"Whatever. I am not medical. I am NOT medical, at ALL!..... I couldn't tell you the difference between an asprin and a birth control pill." --James

Free Money

Mom and Dad were going to watch Hannah for me a few Fridays back and Dad called with "Just one problem".



"Yeah okay, I can bring her to you, it doesn't matter.....whats up?"



"Well" dad says, taking a sharp, significant breath "the government sent me a letter stating that my stimulus check would be here tomorrow...." he paused.



I was wondering - something like - you can't wait to get home to cash it Saturday morning, when he completed his thought

"Frankly, I don't want to just leave it out on Wilson for the taking".

Satanic influence

"Its like Satan is just poking him in the ass!"

Strawberry Fields

Recently, my friend left for an extended vacation. He asked me to stop over and pick strawberries, as they were in season and he never had a shortage of them....and who doesn't love fresh fruit? So last night I was headed over there and asked if I should put some aside for my parents.

This morning, I get the phone call.

"Hows the strawberry business?"

"uh, good".

"I hear the harvest is great, but the workers are few.".

Change In Plans

Memorial day weekend, Mom and Dad were set to go to Chicago. Usually, to "save money" they stay with Grandma and try to sleep on an air matress. As you can imagine, this rarely works out to be a cozy nights sleep.

Well, BabyBoy Wilcome is due any day now. Today we were informed that Tom's wife experienced one of the signs the baby is coming soon (I'll spare the details). Conversation that followed this news:

"Looks like I won't be going to Chicago this weekend! Yesss!

I want to sleep on grandmas floor like I want a venereal disease!"

Things we do for friends

If you know my dad, you know his hearing isn't his most fine-tuned sense. But God bless him, he sure tries to make out the conversation.

So a friend of mine has been wanting a Wii. Like for a while. But like most of us, can't "find" one, as they sell pretty quickly. I searched. I had my sister search in her post-op downtime. I called the stores. I stalked the employees. Okay, no I didn't but I was getting close to thinking I'd need to. And suddenly, one day, I found one! Online, low hassle - just click, click and it was done! I was so excited that when I met my dad that night for dinner and he said "Whats New?".

I said "I got my friend a Wii!!!!!!!!!!!!!" just beaming.

Dad looks puzzled, shakes his head and says "You got your friend some WEED?".

Whatcha Doing?

I called my dad Saturday to see if he'd like to have dinner with us out at the cottage. Since we've moved, I think he misses me, Hannah, and specifically the dog who has adjusted to lake life quite well.

"What cha up to, Dad?".

"not much".

"You outside? Its nice out!"

"Yep, sittin' here in my chair in the driveway. Watching the traffic. " Then his voice lowers, evoking a bit of sympathy.....

"Got a ball in my hand, but no dog to throw it to!".

Happy Easter

I called dad this morning to say hello, and after a few minutes of chatting he informed me that my mom had emailed me about Sunday, we are going to have a turkey apparently, etc., then closed with

"We hope to see you on Thanksgiving Sunday".

J

The size of your problems

Talking about a problem he had a small, short term fix for:

"Its like trying to take out an Elephant with a bb. "

JJW

Check Engine Light

"They should change that check engine light to "Get your wallet ready" light".

JJW

The New Vet

Kristen recommended a vet - hers - who seems to be less um, excessive with the dog. So Dad took Raz in today, and called me with the report.

"I can't believe I got outta there for LESS THAN 150.00! That's never happened before! 89.00!!! I wanted to TIP him!".-JJ

Grocery Shopping

"I'll be hard pressed to go back to the 54th street Meijer anytime soon. There were people who looked like DRUG dealers parking in the handicap spots.... WITHOUT stickers! Teenagers flying through there at 70 miles an hour and kids running amuck."

"There was nothing but lawlessness going on there!" - JJW

Jim's affection for my ex....

First, I blame Jess. For the snow that is. Today, most of the southern parts of the lower part of Michigan are closed and the northern part of the state is in fact CLOSED by the state, no one is allowed on the roads due to the civil emergency/blizzard. Its Jess's fault. Everytime she leaves the country, we get a dumped on with snow, wind, ice, etc.

Anyway, Hannah's school was closed today and she is supposed to go to her dad's. Since I had to be at work, Hannah is home with Grandpa. He calls this morning and says "Have you heard from the ex?".

"No, not yet, but I'm sure I will eventually." I sigh, expressionless. "Do you want me to call him?"

He responds - "No, don't worry about it - He'll call when he wants to pick her up.

Just like dandruff, he always comes back!".