Sssssssssssssss

While discussing a conversation on a subject that should have been simple but was highly "emotionally" charged with the Mrs.

"I'd rather face a spitting cobra!"

Its a calling, not a choice

"You, are the Minister of Common Sense"-JJW.

Chasing Cars

Looking at his phone, Dad says "hell I got so many things on here, I haven't a clue what to do with. I have the INTERNET, but....

"Its like the dog who finally catches the car - now what am I going to do with it?"
JJW

T-R-O-U-B-L-E

"I know I'm a troublemaker! And I LIKE IT!". (Barb)

Bumper Cars

On the way to lunch with his youngest daughter, Jess described traffic that day as "no one was in a hurry.....".

Eyes growing a fierce blue, Dad says (and he means it, BTW) "I'd like to tie a matress to my bumper, so that I could give these jerks a little tap, as a friendly reminder".

A Faded Parallel

After a brief conversation regarding divorce:


"Its like attorneys, I don't like them, but they happen!" JJW.

No room for grey.....

"What a hypocrite!" - Jim, speaking of Raz (the dog).

Betrayal

Speaking of a former co-worker:

"That guy was every bit a Judas".

Unexpected . . .

When discussing my Mom's unexpected, early return from work (she failed to call until she was in the driveway).

"I'll tell ya what. Good thing I don't cheat on my wife. I'd have been dead TWICE by now."

Ouch!

"I wouldn't give the City of Wyoming crutches if they needed them!"

The Little Leader

I called to check and see how Hannah was doing today, and my dad gave me the brief update. She's now down at Sandy Pines with Char, etc. And so I asked "oh, who did they go see?". He said "I thought you'd be okay with it."

I said "I am, I just wondered who she is visiting."

And I do just like knowing where she is - and like to get an idea, and the opportunity to remind my very liberal daughter to be respectful of more conservative opinions.

So I explained this to my dad and he replied "You are right! I see your point.... I didn't even think of that!...

"She's probably leading a revolution down at the guard shack!"

Feather Weight

Dad: "Yeah, a lot of them preachers don't like you to know things about them. Joyce Meyers. Did you know, she's DIVORCED?'
Me: "Wow. DIVORCED huh? (sarcasm underlying). Yeah, shit happens...."
Dad: "No, I mean, they don't like you to know, they just "fail to mention it"....."
Like -John Hagee is divorced, did you know that? (long pause)

"Nope."Tom could have knocked me over with a feather with that one."

Feelin Good

"I'm feeling pretty good today. I slept good, my blood pressure is good..." dad says
"Yeah, why's that?"
"I dunno. I guess my ECOsystem is lining up just right!"

The ones you follow

"I don't smoke, don't drink, don't chew
and I don't follow those who do...."
JJW a spinoff fro the Benson Days.

Can't get enough

"There is not enough of me to go around" --Jim.

Old Spice

"Everything was sailing along until I put deodorant on. Then it all just went to hell".

Jim, of his recent allergic reaction.

More insurance drama

Referring to the insurance adjuster who came over to assess the damage from a pipe that burst - flooding the "Green Room", Dad explained his disappointment in the whole process. He thought he'd have a reasonable claim to replace a bunch of the stuff that was in the room, but somehow ended up paying a decent deductable.

"You know, that adjuster, was just a lawyer in blue jeans....."

Waiting

After a full morning of coffee and conversation, Dad decides its time for breakfast. Upon discovering the fact of the matter is he is out of eggs - he gets that rushed look on his face, and says "well, we are just going to have to go out for breakfast!". Clearly we cannot wait to eat, as his hunger has passed the I-can-be-patient point. I concede and get up to put on my shoes. He yells up the stairs to his lovely wife of 35 years "Barb, we are going out! We are out of eggs! You comin'?".

She responds "no", that she's in the middle of coloring her hair. However, he doesn't hear anything except for the tone in her voice. Its typical that she's going to give him a speech about how he doesn't NEED to go out to breakfast AGAIN, and he knows this. So he sits down to put his shoes on and says

"Well.... you coming? I'm NOT waiting for the swallows to return to Capistrano!".

(if you don't know, which 99.998% of us don't typically know -
speaks of the miracle of the swallows returning to the mission.)

Please, stop!

As we are driving up to the "Magical Mile" (from one hospital to another) to visit a friend of my dad's - I notice a blur of red outside of my passenger side window and realize we've just charged full speed through a stop sign.

Glancing in the rearview mirror, dad says "Ooops. When did they put that there?".

And the solution is (this is a Barb Quote)

So, to fix the jeans, Dad has decided he wants a sewing maching so he can hem his own. He's not asking for a stripper for his birthday, or weed.... just a sewing maching. Maybe he needs it, maybe he doesn't......but who will it hurt?

Mom in a full-on, defensive, angry fit, turns toward him and sneers

"I know what you want and DON'T think its funny!"

Family Jeans

While discussing options to find the right fit for Dad's new blue jeans - and how they fit.

"I can't help it. I can't help it - I have this HOURGLASS figure. Its a curse, I tell you!"

Round a 'bouts

While driving to lunch, as we navagated the round about at Cherry and Jefferson -

"This little turn around will have its place in the Lake of Fire too!".

Going somewhere?

I called my dad this morning to see if he still had a copy of my birth certificate.

He asked, curiously "why, what do you need it for?".

I said "um, just wanted to get a passport".

"Are you planning on becoming a subversive?".