Lumberjack

Jess: "Where's mom?"

Dad" "Shopping."

Jess: "For what?" (annoyed,questioning tone, due to the volume of shopping mom does...)

Dad: "Who cares?"

Holy Moses

"I was thinking, if I had a couple dogs, I might name Amaroam and Joshabel" - jim wilcome

Local Politics

In my Dad's neighborhood, lets just say fast food hasn't exactly taken off. And lets just say there might be enough christian churches in Grandville. Which, good for them, but you want even a coffee from McDonalds? You are stuck driving to Jenison, or Wyoming-almost-Kentwood.

Upon my arrival to GRR from my last trip, Dad announces "They put a McDonalds in at Byron Center and 56th!".

I respond "Wow. Thats pretty drastic".

"Yeah, next thing you know it, they're gonna wanna put a mosque there!". -JJW

Pool Boy

"I took that pool cover off by myself...it was kinda like trying to fight a pregnant polar bear". JJW

Dreams

"nothing makes sense out here tonight...this is like a bad dream" -dad's comments on m6 construction set up

Forgiveness

"I am sorry, I have to cancel, I hope you don't hang me an effigy".

Special Priveleges

Dad's sister had a cardiac cath. Her physician wears a turban. Its Standard operating procedure for said patient to stay overnight, but Dad called to report "She's going home at 3pm". Having worked in cardiovascular, specifically PCI, I responded "Really? Thats weird". Dad replies "I know. It sure raised a lot of eyebrow's round there! ...
" But I was in the the room when the Great Swami released her".

At his wedding

"I wasn't drunk! I was high!" - JJW

Attorney for the defense

"In my defense . . . in case I need one". JJW

Less then sincere

"Tricksters . . . carrying the bloodstained banner" - of disengenuious christians. JJW

Hornets Nest

This morning, while spraying a hornets nest outside of his living room window - "'Morning Boys!". JJW

"Wedded Bliss"

"When I said "I do", I meant "I do", I just didn't know WHAT I'd do!" - JJW

Cartwheel

"That sounds like mental gymnastics"! JJW

You can't make it up. So don't even try.

Me: "Yeah dad, thats a nice phone.... why did you get a new one?"

Dad: "I ran the other one over with the lawnmower".

Karma

Dad "I will tell ya, those people that think they are getting away with something....it doesn't work that way. What comes around, goes around!"

"He'd (my ex) better watch out! He's gonna find teeth marks in his ass."

Jenny

At my brother's house the other night, Jennifer Granholm came on the screen. My dad is repulsed by anything good ole Jenny does, so immediately scowls. Tom proceeds to tell him how Jenny was talking earlier and said something to the affect of "prepare to be wow-ed".

To which dad replies "What, is she gonna go skinny dippin' in the Grand River"?

Sssssssssssssss

While discussing a conversation on a subject that should have been simple but was highly "emotionally" charged with the Mrs.

"I'd rather face a spitting cobra!"

Its a calling, not a choice

"You, are the Minister of Common Sense"-JJW.

Chasing Cars

Looking at his phone, Dad says "hell I got so many things on here, I haven't a clue what to do with. I have the INTERNET, but....

"Its like the dog who finally catches the car - now what am I going to do with it?"
JJW

T-R-O-U-B-L-E

"I know I'm a troublemaker! And I LIKE IT!". (Barb)

Bumper Cars

On the way to lunch with his youngest daughter, Jess described traffic that day as "no one was in a hurry.....".

Eyes growing a fierce blue, Dad says (and he means it, BTW) "I'd like to tie a matress to my bumper, so that I could give these jerks a little tap, as a friendly reminder".

A Faded Parallel

After a brief conversation regarding divorce:


"Its like attorneys, I don't like them, but they happen!" JJW.

No room for grey.....

"What a hypocrite!" - Jim, speaking of Raz (the dog).

Betrayal

Speaking of a former co-worker:

"That guy was every bit a Judas".

Unexpected . . .

When discussing my Mom's unexpected, early return from work (she failed to call until she was in the driveway).

"I'll tell ya what. Good thing I don't cheat on my wife. I'd have been dead TWICE by now."

Ouch!

"I wouldn't give the City of Wyoming crutches if they needed them!"

The Little Leader

I called to check and see how Hannah was doing today, and my dad gave me the brief update. She's now down at Sandy Pines with Char, etc. And so I asked "oh, who did they go see?". He said "I thought you'd be okay with it."

I said "I am, I just wondered who she is visiting."

And I do just like knowing where she is - and like to get an idea, and the opportunity to remind my very liberal daughter to be respectful of more conservative opinions.

So I explained this to my dad and he replied "You are right! I see your point.... I didn't even think of that!...

"She's probably leading a revolution down at the guard shack!"

Feather Weight

Dad: "Yeah, a lot of them preachers don't like you to know things about them. Joyce Meyers. Did you know, she's DIVORCED?'
Me: "Wow. DIVORCED huh? (sarcasm underlying). Yeah, shit happens...."
Dad: "No, I mean, they don't like you to know, they just "fail to mention it"....."
Like -John Hagee is divorced, did you know that? (long pause)

"Nope."Tom could have knocked me over with a feather with that one."

Feelin Good

"I'm feeling pretty good today. I slept good, my blood pressure is good..." dad says
"Yeah, why's that?"
"I dunno. I guess my ECOsystem is lining up just right!"

The ones you follow

"I don't smoke, don't drink, don't chew
and I don't follow those who do...."
JJW a spinoff fro the Benson Days.

Can't get enough

"There is not enough of me to go around" --Jim.

Old Spice

"Everything was sailing along until I put deodorant on. Then it all just went to hell".

Jim, of his recent allergic reaction.

More insurance drama

Referring to the insurance adjuster who came over to assess the damage from a pipe that burst - flooding the "Green Room", Dad explained his disappointment in the whole process. He thought he'd have a reasonable claim to replace a bunch of the stuff that was in the room, but somehow ended up paying a decent deductable.

"You know, that adjuster, was just a lawyer in blue jeans....."

Waiting

After a full morning of coffee and conversation, Dad decides its time for breakfast. Upon discovering the fact of the matter is he is out of eggs - he gets that rushed look on his face, and says "well, we are just going to have to go out for breakfast!". Clearly we cannot wait to eat, as his hunger has passed the I-can-be-patient point. I concede and get up to put on my shoes. He yells up the stairs to his lovely wife of 35 years "Barb, we are going out! We are out of eggs! You comin'?".

She responds "no", that she's in the middle of coloring her hair. However, he doesn't hear anything except for the tone in her voice. Its typical that she's going to give him a speech about how he doesn't NEED to go out to breakfast AGAIN, and he knows this. So he sits down to put his shoes on and says

"Well.... you coming? I'm NOT waiting for the swallows to return to Capistrano!".

(if you don't know, which 99.998% of us don't typically know -
speaks of the miracle of the swallows returning to the mission.)

Please, stop!

As we are driving up to the "Magical Mile" (from one hospital to another) to visit a friend of my dad's - I notice a blur of red outside of my passenger side window and realize we've just charged full speed through a stop sign.

Glancing in the rearview mirror, dad says "Ooops. When did they put that there?".

And the solution is (this is a Barb Quote)

So, to fix the jeans, Dad has decided he wants a sewing maching so he can hem his own. He's not asking for a stripper for his birthday, or weed.... just a sewing maching. Maybe he needs it, maybe he doesn't......but who will it hurt?

Mom in a full-on, defensive, angry fit, turns toward him and sneers

"I know what you want and DON'T think its funny!"

Family Jeans

While discussing options to find the right fit for Dad's new blue jeans - and how they fit.

"I can't help it. I can't help it - I have this HOURGLASS figure. Its a curse, I tell you!"

Round a 'bouts

While driving to lunch, as we navagated the round about at Cherry and Jefferson -

"This little turn around will have its place in the Lake of Fire too!".

Going somewhere?

I called my dad this morning to see if he still had a copy of my birth certificate.

He asked, curiously "why, what do you need it for?".

I said "um, just wanted to get a passport".

"Are you planning on becoming a subversive?".

So yesterday we are sitting around drinking super hot coffee and talking about my little fall down the stairs, in which, I lost the box I was carrying and it came down and smacked me in the eye (black eye for Christmas?). I said "but luckily, I landed on my big ass...." My dad was about to make a smart comment of some sort and as he went to incorporate one of those famous Jim Wilcome hand motions..... his steaming hot cup of Joe spilled directly on his uh, groin area.

Luckily it wasn't that hot, and after an expression that will keep me laughing for years to come, he later said to Jess "Nothing like singeing the family jewles!"

GH

When discussing women who wear "heavy perfume" - he said "why do women do that? Is it just to attract the opposite gender?"

Jess said "Do you really think MOM wears perfume to attract MEN???"

In Response..."NO. I'm not talking about your mother, I'm talking about down there at General Hospital. Where the broom closets are as busy as the ER".

Fuel

After he calls and we chat, there is a lul in conversation... so I say "Hey dad, I can't believe it. I just got over THREE gallons of gas for ten bucks!!!!!!!!!"

He excitedly asks -"Did you have a revolver in your pocket?"

J

KMART

"The only thing I remember about Kmart is the underwear".

unsure of preceding conversation.

Birds and the Bees

Over coffee this morning, I am discussing some of the garden flowers out front, etc. I comment "those fuzzy bees are pretty friendly. they don't seem to mind that people are around".

With that deep, contemplative face we all love, dad responds

"Yeah not like those wasps out there that seem to get a thrill out of seeing if they can make you shit your pants!"

On the Sea Do Repair Shop

"Frankly, Jode - I wouln't buy a sack of eggs from these jokers".